Foodage

Oh hai there...

2008-01-16T05:02:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. Sorry...

I have been eating, though. Different things, though, after I discovered that artificial sweeteners make my head explode. (Pink, blue, or yellow.) I haven't tempted fate now that I'm not on steady migraine meds, but I kind of want to. Anyway... let me tell you about something I've been using, and can't sing about enough.

I got a Le Chasseur dutch oven for Christmas.

Oh my. I actually want to have this DO's baby. Then I'd have saucepans, a grill pan,a nd all kinds of other stuff just for mating with a cast iron pot. I'd be down with that. I adore this pot. It gets hot, stays hot, and cleans up REALLY nicely. I've been making all kinds of things in the pot, from French Onion soup (and then remembering, "eh, I don't much care for FO soup"), to beef stew, to the little recipe I'm going to put on here- Latin Style Chicken and Rice.

Now, this may be the most caucasian version of Arroz Con Pollo ever, but it is SO good, and it can be done in a reasonable amount of time. (under 2 hours, if I'm not mistaken)

Cooks Illustrated "Arroz con Pollo"

6 cloves of garlic (minced)
Salt, Pepper, 1/2 teaspoon oregano
1 T white vinegar PLUS an additional 2T
4 split chicken breast, trimmed and cut in 1/2 (you can also do this with thighs. Trim the extra fat off, and know you'll need to cook them longer.)
2T oil
1 Medium onion, chopped fine
1 green pepper minced fine
1/4 t red pepper flakes
1/4 cup (or more) minced cilantro
1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce
1 box chicken broth
3 cups medium grain rice
3/4 cup of chopped green olives
Lemon Wedges for serving.

I realize this looks like a lot of stuff- but believe me, it's worth it.

Mix the garlic, 1t salt, 1/2 t pepper, the oregano, and 1T vinegar into a paste. Coat the chicken with the paste and marinate 15 minutes. Preheat your oven to 350 too...

In a large dutch oven, heat the oil till shimmering. Cook the onion, pepper and pepper flakes 4-8 minutes till softened. Add 2T cilantro, stir, and push veggies to the side. Add the chicken- skin side down- (you will need to increase the heat). Cook 4 minutes (thighs maybe a little less), flip, and cook 4 more minutes. Add broth (about 3 cups- reserve one for later), and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to simmer and cook for 20 minutes. At this point, chicken breasts should be at 160. Thighs will hang out in the broth even after the rice goes in.

Breasts get removed to a waiting plate to be covered with foil. Thighs stay in. Add olives and salt to pot, stir, re-simmer, add rice, stir, simmer, cover, and pop into the oven. Bake for 10 minutes. Pull the pot out, stir it up, and take notice of the amount of water to crunchiness of rice. If it seems dry, add some of that reserved broth. Return to oven, bake another 10 minutes, and pull it out and stir. By this time, thighs should be 165, and can be pulled off to a plate. Check the rice- it's usually done by now too. If not, add more liquid if necessary and bake an extra 10 minutes.

Shred the chicken with spoons (large pieces is your target) and toss with a mixture of 2T vinegar, a tablespoonish of oil, cilantro, salt, and pepper. Serve it on top of the rice mixture and pass lemon wedges to serve.

Honestly, the chicken doesn't move me, but the rice? Holy heck, the rice is good. And I realize this is a fairly involved recipe- but it's going to feed 2 hungry people, PLUS give you a ton of leftovers for work. (My favorite kind of recipe.)

Next? My randomly assembled, way tasty beef soup. (Crock pot OR dutch oven).

Refrigerator Velcro Rice

2006-05-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

This isn't so much a recipe, as a formula, I guess. Or a suggestion of a recipe. I've been eating a variation on this for a little while now- and it's tasty hot or cold.

The current incarnation is:

1 cup rice (I used medium grain- it is closer to a risotto rice, but costs an assload less.)
a dab or two of olive oil
about a quarter cup or so of red lentils
2 1/2 cups broth (veggie or chicken)
about 1/4 cup freshly grated parmesan
mrs. dash or whatever herb blend you love
Veggies- whatever you've got that would taste good together- this time I did a half container of baby bellas, about 3 cups of spinach, a bit of bell pepper, an onion, and a fresh tomato.

Saute your rice in a dab of olive oil as you would for risotto (until you sort of smell the rice, and a good portion of the grains are somewhat translucent) add in your red lentils, the broth, and a good portion of your dried herbs. Pop the lid on, simmer, and while that's working, cook up your veggies. I cooked the onion a little first, then added the sliced mushrooms, and the pepper and cooked it all till the mushrooms were nice and brown, then added my spinach and about 1/4 cup water, and slipped the lid on, and turned the heat off. Once the rice and lentils are tender (don't worry if there's still some liquid in the pan, it's all ok.) add in the veggies, parmesan, and toss in your diced tomato. Stir everything together to incorporate, salt and pepper it, and you're done!

IF you take this to lunch the next day, I recommend a dab of water in the container you reheat it in- keeps it from being all glue-y.

The long awaited "Boyfriend Chicken"

2005-10-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

And yes, I modified the recipe somewhat from the original, and yes, I know that there's a boyfriend chicken recipe in existence somewhere else. It's bad, poisonous, and shouldn't be cooked. This? The recipe you really want. (And if you're fighting with your boyfriend? This is a great aggression releaser, what with the pulverizing of the croutons, and the can of whup-ass you have to unleash on the chicken breasts...)

You're gonna need:

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1/2 block cream cheese (fat content of your choice, but I can't vouch for that fat free crap.)
4 oz feta cheese (crumbled-up-like)
fresh basil (if you use dried, I'll find out where you live...)
fresh spinach (buy a whole bag, make the remainder into wilted spinach and garlic)
black pepper
salt (optional)
sweet roasted red peppers, minced/chopped
1 1/4 cups pulverized croutons (bread crumbs are for pansies)
1 egg
splash of milk
a bit of prosciutto or ham, if you're so inclined

Soften your cream cheese, and mix with the feta, black pepper, and a handful of minced basil leaves. Set this aside, and beat the bejesus out of your chicken breasts, so they're about 1/4 inch thick.*

Once the chicken breasts are flat, turn them so that the ugly side is up, and layer on some spinach leaves, about 1/4 of the cheese mixture (smushing it out, but not the whole way to the edge), some of the roasted red peppers, and if you're using it- the prosciutto. Repeat this process for all of the remaining breasts, and roll 'em up. Tuck the edges in, if possible, and toothpick the living daylights out of them if necessary.

Mix up your egg and splash of milk in a bowl, and dump your pulverized croutons on a handy plate. Dip/roll your chicken breasts in the egg mixture, then roll them in the croutons, coating evenly. Place them in a sprayed baking pan and cook for about 35 minutes at 375. (till the juices run clear)

I served mine with a simple risotto and wilted spinach. Tasty, easy, and you're good to go in less than an hour. The leftovers reheat fairly well, though if you really wanted to, you could freeze them too. (I think)

Mmm. Copes Corn.

2005-10-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

So on Saturday, when I took my little trip to tourist hell, I swung by the nifty little Amish bulk food place. It's pretty much exactly like the bulk food place at the 3 family-owned grocery stores in town, but it was close to where I was going at the time.

-side note. I love having a bulk food place handy. Dried minced onion in a little tub? 1.21. Dried minced onion in a McCormic's container? 3.50 (for less onion!)Pasta, candy, odd types of flour, snack mix, couscous, oatmeal... pretty much whatever type of dry good you'd be looking for, they've got it in nice plastic bags, or little tubs. Oh, and it's ridiculously cheap. Good deal.

Anyway. While I was there I picked up some John Copes Dried Corn (honestly, the stuff looks and sounds bizarre, but is extremely tasty), and some couscous, and a few other things I needed. And this weekend I made some tasty treats.

Saturday I whipped up the "Fastest, tastiest lunch" (For there is fast, but there is not always tasty...

2 cups (1 can) chicken broth
1 healthy (really big) pinch of Mrs. Dash
1 cup Couscous
1 bag tuna

Boil broth with seasoning, add couscous and tuna. Take off heat. let it go for 5 minutes. Eat.

And today's masterpiece... Baked Dried Corn with Ham.

A little about John Copes Corn
It's corn, alright, but it's been dried and toasted. It's super sweet, and actually very nutty. You can soak it in hot water for an hour or so, and rehydrate it- and it's good that way, or you can make Baked Corn, which is one of my mom's favorite dishes. It's kind of a corn pudding... I added the ham, "fresh" corn, and onion...

1 package dried corn 7.5 oz(you can mail order- I don't see it too many places)
5 cups milk
4 eggs, beaten
2 really good pinches of dried minced onion
1 teaspoon salt
1 Tablespoon sugar (you can always add a pinch more as you serve)
1 ham steak, cut into cubes
1 small can of regular corn, drained
2-3 tablespoons melted butter (I didn't think it really needed it, but it's in the original recipe)
Pepper to taste

Put the dried corn bits into your blender or food processor, and whiz it a bit to break up the pieces somewhat. Don't turn it all into cornmeal, but don't leave it like giant shards of toenails either. Put the corn into a large bowl, and mix with the salt, sugar, onion, milk, well-beaten eggs, corn, butter, and cubed ham (Ok, mix it with EVERYTHING) and pour into a sprayed/buttered casserole dish (2 quarts).

The original recipe says to cook this in a shallow casserole dish at 375 for 1 hour. I ended up doing it in a taller one, and cooking it till the top was brown, and the center was set for the most part. (When you jiggle the pan it still wiggles some, but isn't all liquidy.)

It's wicked tasty...

Key Lime Lovely

2005-09-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

Fastest. Pie. Ever.

Take one of the "2 extra servings!" pre-made graham cracker crusts from the grocery store. Unwrap it.

Turn your oven on to 350.

While the oven's heating up, zest up a few limes, and mix with 8 egg yolks. Then pour on 2 14 ounce cans of sweetened condensed milk and 1 cup key lime juice.

Mix the whole shebang together with a whisk (it'll take a few minutes of whisking to incorporate everything and make it nice and thick). Pour it into your crust (you'll have enough for that pie and a couple of little tarts). Bake for 15 minutes, let it cool, and top with a little whipped cream.

Tadaaaaaa!

Stuff I love

2005-09-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

What do I love?

John Cope's Corn I love baked dried corn, and just plain dried corn (cooked, of course). It's so damned Lancaster County, but it's really quite good. (And perfect with Chicken and waffles.)

Ben & Jerry's Pistachio Pistachio Ice Cream. I know. I'm not old enough to like Pistachio ice cream, but dagnabbit, this is good stuff. No neon green sludge, no pulverized bits of pistachio, just a nice clean pistachio ice cream with plenty of whole pistachio nuts (no shells, of course). YUM!

The super wonderful fresh mozzarella, tomato, and basil sandwiches, with roasted red peppers and pesto mayo on foccacia, at work. And really, the whole cafeteria at work. A lot of people bitch about the hospital cafeteria, but frankly, I think it's got a variety of food, all of it excellently prepared, for a reasonable price. And when you've only got 1/2 hour for lunch, you can't beat it for convenience. The aforementioned sandwich? $2.79.

Flavored Seltzer- No fake sugar, no caffiene, just good stuff. I am really trying to drink less fake sugar, because it's not good for you, and this is an excellent substitute.

Thomas's Corn Toasting Bread- by the English Muffin folks. This stuff is like a nice big corn muffin, in bread form. If it only toasted up a little crisper, I'd be in breakfast-food heaven.

And the stuff I don't like:

Capers. Rather, they don't like me. A greek salad with capers today sent me from zero to migraine in about 35 minutes. (I don't think it was the feta, because feta never bugs me.)

Smirnoff Vodka. Unless I plan on turning to a life of bullimia, I'll never drink the stuff again, in any form. (Who knew you could be allergic to a specific brand?)

Holy Guack-a-noley!

2005-09-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, I really do know how to spell. This post is in honor of Saint Stoltz-a-ma-fus, who always spouts THAT instead of "holy guacamole!". He also used to say "Wrong Chicken" and has never answered the phone with anything but "Hel-LO Steve Here!". Ever. And I've known him for 5 years. We tease him that his answering machine should simply say "Hel-lo, Steve Not here!" but he hasn't gone so far yet...

Anyway, today's recipe is Holy Guack-A-Noley, or Guacamole by the seat of your pants...

For one nice sized bowl, you'll need:

3 nice, ripe, delectable Avacados
3-4 Jalapenos (seeded/deveined or as veined as you like for the heat)
1 roma, or 1/2 big tomato
1/4 onion (Red) or more if you like
a bit of garlic, whacked up finely
1 or more limes
Cilantro
salt
pepper
maybe some corn, black beans, or something else nummy to mix in...

Mince your jalapenos, onion, and tomato, if using fresh garlic, whack it up to within an inch of its life and toss that in the mix too. Then, cut your avocados in half, and scoop out their innards. (Grow the pit, or do what you'd like with it.) Smash the guts to within an inch of their lives (2 inches if you like yours chunky), while spritzing liberally with the fresh lime juice. Whip in the cilantro if you're feeling sassy, and mix the whole shebang together. Salt and pepper to your heart's content, and dig in with your favorite chippage or other guacamole delivery device.

If you're going to refrigerate this at all, be sure to smoosh plastic wrap down onto the surface of the guacamole, so that it won't turn brown so quickly. Don't try to make this a zillion hours in advance, you're just going to have nasty looking guacamole, and who wants that?

Oh to hell with it!

2005-08-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

So I decided I was going to make those Boston Cream Cupcakes today. The ones I was going to make a month ago, and never did. I'd already flung some Cheesy Potatoes (of doom!) in the crock pot, and figured what the heck...

So I assembled my ingredients. I grabbed 3 eggs out of the fridge, and a stick of butter. Got myself out a cup and a quarter of water, and popped my cake mix into the bowl of the mixer. Melted the butter, and poured that in, along with the water. I let the Kitchenaid do its thing, and about 2 minutes later, was scooping batter into the cupcake liners with my ancient ice cream scoop*.

Into the oven these evenly filled tins went, and I started to clean up after myself. That's when I discovered the three eggs sitting on the counter. That's right, I'd forgotten to put the damned eggs in.

After cursing, a lot. I pulled the eggless cupcakes out of the oven, and promptly emptied them into the trash. (Because there is NO way I'm scraping all the batter off those little paper liners. Sorry. No.)

I figured maybe I'll make chocolate filled cupcakes instead, and search the cupboard for another cake mix. Lo and behold! There's another butter yellow mix! Sweet! I melt another stick of butter, measure up another cup and a quarter of water, and dump in the cake mix, along with the eggs this time, and all the other necessary ingredients, into the mixer bowl. I turned that bad boy on, and put a few things into the sink. When I turned back to the mixer, I wasn't greeted by batter. I was greeted by a lemony yellow soup.

Cue even MORE cursing.

In fact, I believe my exact quote was "What the fuck did I do wrong THIS time, goddamnit!?"

(Note: I'm a decent baker, and a darned good cook. I don't need remedial home ec, so this stuff? REALLY pissed me off.)

That's when I looked at the back of the box and it dawned on me.

That's right. I used two separate brands of cake mix.**

This one only needed 2/3 cup of water, not a cup and a quarter. DUHHHHH. So yes, I was a wee bit angry. And the second batch of batter went buh-bye. And at this point, I decided to say "Screw the cupcakes" and settled for just beating my head against the counter till I didn't crave sugar anymore.

Tomorrow, I shall try again, armed with a fresh cake mix, and some more butter. If you hear about some twit blowing up her kitchen, it'll probably be me.

* The ice cream scooper is pink aluminum, and came free with a container of ice cream some time in the late fifties/early sixties. I've had dibs on this ever since I was a kid. I joke with my mom about it, but when she goes, damnit, I get the scoop.

** If they're going to make all the boxes look the same, the least they could do is keep the ingredients consistent. Fuckers.

Salsa-riffic!

2005-08-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

So I had some leftover peeled tomatoes, and tonight I whipped up some homemade salsa.

You can too, y'know.

You'll need

7 or so tomatoes, peeled (you know how to peel tomatoes, right? If not, scroll to the end)
3 Jalapeno peppers (or more, if you're into that sort of thing)
1 bell pepper, chopped
probably about 1/2 a medium onion, chopped
The juice of 1 1/2 limes
salt, sugar, Cilantro to taste

Dice your peeled tomatoes (fairly small dice) and send them on a trip through your salad spinner. If it's a cheesy model like mine, you'll probably have to do it in two batches. You're doing this to get rid of the tomato guts, so the salsa's not too watery. Turn your stick blender loose on the tomatoes, puree some, but leave the whole mixture REALLY chunky. (If you made your chunks too big, you can puree part of the maters, and pour off some of the puree.)

If you've got a food processor, use it to chop up your onions and peppers. It's so much easier. If not, chop them finely.

NOTE: Yes, I know, everyone warns you that you should wear rubber gloves when you're playing with Jalapenos. They're not kidding. If you don't have rubber gloves, use plastic baggies (I used the produce bags that my peppers and limes came in). If you don't like a lot of heat in your salsa, be sure to de-seed and de-rib your peppers thoroughly, as all the heat lives THERE. And for the love of Elvis, wash your hands well, and repeatedly, once done with the peppers, especially before you take out your contacts, masturbate, or pick your nose. Ok?

Mix the chopped onions and peppers with your tomatoes, top with the cilantro, salt, pepper, and lime juice, and mix the whole shootin' match together. Let it chill for an hour, more if you can. Feel free to add some garlic too, if you're so inclined.

Peeling Tomatoes: Pop a saucepan full of water on the stove, and get it boiling. If you're doing a LOT of tomatoes, fill your sink with water and ice, if you're doing a normal number of tomatoes, just take a big bowl of water and ice, and set it aside. Core your tomatoes, and make a shallow X on the bottom of your tomato (maybe an inch long).

When the water's boiling, drop your tomato in (carefully!) and leave it in there for about 15 seconds or so, then fetch it with a slotted spoon, and drop it immediately into the icewater bath. After the tomato has been in the cold water for a few seconds, take your paring knife, and gently peel the skin off, starting at the x. The skin will come right off. :)

Mum's Mater Soup.

2005-08-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

We canned a whole cubic buttload of soup today, diced tomatoes too. I can't help it, we found good tomatoes for 6.00 a box, and it NEEDED to happen.

I cannot begin to describe to you how wonderful this soup is, or tell you how much I love it in the middle of winter. It's perfect with macaroni, a tiny shake of parmesan cheese, and some pepper (or just plain.) And you don't necessarily HAVE to do this with fresh tomatoes, but it IS summer, so why not make a big old batch, and freeze some?

To make a human-sized batch of soup (starting from tomatoes)

Get enough tomatoes to fill a nice sized dutch oven (or small stock pot, or whatever you use to make chili). Eyeball it. If you have some tomatoes left over, have a sandwich. Whack up the tomatoes into chunks, and when your pot is about 3/4 of the way full, get your hands in there and squish them up. (This is best done with tomatoes that have just come in from being outside- they're still warm, and extra gooshy.) If you're prissy, you can use a potato masher to do this, but I'll ignore you on the street. (unless you have arthritis or carpal tunnel. Then you get a pass.) Add in a cut up onion. (1 small or 1/2 large) and a few bay leaves (4 or 5).

Pop the pot onto the stove, and cook over medium/high heat stirring frequently (so the bottom doesn't scorch) till you smell the bay leaf, the tomatoes have fallen to bits, and you've been boiling for a bit. Turn off the heat and grab your handy dandy food mill. Yes. Food Mill. NOT A BLENDER. NOT A FOOD PROCESSOR. They will not work, and you will be smited by hot tomato guts. And yes, the mill in the picture is expensive. You can get one for around 25 bucks, less if you scour yard sales.

Pop the mill on top of another nice sized pot, and ladle in a good bit of your hot tomato, bay, and onion mixture. Turn the crank, and get to processing. Think about your grammy & your granny, and how they did this shit without air conditioning and possibly on a coal stove, not because they wanted to, but because they HAD to, or they weren't gonna eat in the winter. When you get down to just seeds and skin in the mill, keep going- grind them as much as you can, because they're what helps to make the soup thick. Repeat this process till you've squished all the tomatoes into juice. Pop your juice filled pot back onto the stove and start to heating it again.

Now's the time to season your soup. Add in about a cup or so of sugar (white is fine). Start at a half cup, and taste it, adding more till you're satisfied with the sweetness. Salt's next, and it's kind of a personal thing, so add salt till you're happy. Next up, take some of the hot juice in a pyrex measuring cup, or another bowl, or a coffee cup even, and add a few tablespoons of flour. Stir it well with a whisk, and add it back into the soup. Heat back up to a boil, and see if it's thick enough for your liking. If not, do the flour thing again.

That's all there is to it. It's work, but it's super delicious soup. :) Freeze it if you'd like, in plastic bags (once it's cooled) or can it according to the blue book, or eat it all in one sitting- whatever floats your boat. :)

This is where the lazy people/people who don't have access to good tomatoes come in.

I'll warn you, this isn't going to be quite as good as the real thing.

People who are not starting from fresh tomatoes should get a nice big bottle or two of good quality tomato juice (if you can get it without salt, so much the better).
Slice up a small onion really thin, and pop it into your pot, add the juice and a few bay leaves to it, and bring the whole shootin' match to a boil. Keep it going, stirring frequently, till the onions are soft. Fish the majority of the onions out, plus the bay leaves, and use your stick blender on the rest. Season with salt & sugar to taste, then do the flour trick you saw above. It's not perfect, but it will do in a pinch.

Serve either one with cooked macaroni, or grilled cheese sandwiches, or just pop it in a mug and be happy. :)

Yay! Leftovers!

2005-08-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

I don't usually go to restaurants, lately because I've been too broke, and generally because I dislike eating alone. Well, last night I went to the local Ruby Tuesday's, because I had gift certificates from last year's birthday to use, and didn't feel like cooking at the Monkeyhouse. (side note, those Lean Cuisine pizzas? Tasty.) About a zillion years ago, I had the best portabello mushroom sandwich there, and wish it was still on the menu. I got the asian peppercorn salmon instead, and wow, it was good. It was also surprisingly inexpensive. I was quasi-well-behaved, and ate half the samon and snap peas, but demolished the rice (to say nothing of the blondie a la mode I took home with me, because I'm going to pass that up?). Today, I looked forward to the leftovers.

And what, pray tell, was dinner this evening?

Peppercorn Salmon Noodle Bowl. That's what.

I cooked a portion of multi-colored veggie pasta, tossed it with a little margarine and lime juice, and mixed in the (reheated) snap peas, and chunks of the salmon (with a little of its sauce still on it). Deelish. Now if only I had the blondie to go with it. Heh.

And the birthday cake this year? Excellent. Very light, moist, and tasty. My only complaint was that the peaches we purchased were a bit underripe.

Mmm. Cake.

2005-08-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

So my birthday's coming up, and I've been asked the question. "What kind of cake do you want?" While buying a cake is damned simple, and not ridiculously expensive, I hate commercial frosting. (Unless it's peanut butter or ganache) And if it's my birthday, I get the cake I'd like, right?

Traditionally, I've asked for the lemon cake (of doom). Lemon cake layers, lemon pudding in between, whipped cream frosting, lemon slices and mint leaves on top. None too sweet, just like me. But this year, I want something different. Not cheesecake. Not tiramisu. Not Tom's really good chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting from the codger corral. What, pray tell, have I decided to make for the (not so very) big day?

Butter cake, vanilla cook & serve pudding (made with half & half to make it super creamy), fresh sliced peaches, whipped cream frosting, and more slices of peach on top. I'll bake the layers tomorrow, and split them so it's more like a torte (so the breakdown would be cake, pudding, cake, pudding and peaches, cake, pudding, cake) Freeze the layers, and tackle the whole shebang closer to the day.

Fat Elvis (whose head is resting on my left hand as I type this) approves.

Mmm. Chicken.

2005-07-28T17:05:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular rumor, I am not dead, I was merely on vacation. Well, not quite "vacation" because that would imply that I have a job. No, I took a trip to the redneck ancestral homeland for a few days of hanging out at granddad's old place. (My mum bought it after granddad died, and my parents have remodeled it. It's in the middle of nowhere, and rather nice to get away to.)

And what sustained me while I was away? Why, my Super Duper All Purpose Sorta Mexican Goo!

To make The Goo you'll need:

1 package chicken tenders or "stir fry" chicken pieces
1 can black beans (Goya if you've got 'em)
1 can diced tomatoes with chilis (I bought the store brand because it's bigger than Ro-Tel, but do what you will)
1 package sliced baby bella mushrooms
1 lime
1 bunch cilantro (it can be a small bunch)

Make sure the chicken is in bite-sized pieces, and whip it into your favorite non-stick frying pan. Toss in your clean, tasty mushrooms, the can of tomatoes (undrained) and the juice of half the lime. Pop the lid on it, and cook on medium/medium high till it looks super soupy. (Stir occasionally) Toss in your drained (but not rinsed) beans, and cook with the lid off, stirring semi-frequently until the chicken is cooked through, and the remaining liquid is thick and tasty but not totally gone. Remove from the heat, stir in a healthy dose of freshly minced cilantro and serve-

(And yes, this IS my quickie quesadilla filling, in a way)

This is excellent on little corn tortillas that have been warmed in a dry frying pan, to make little mini burritos. Or, you could serve it on fried corn tortillas as tostadas. Or as the filling for tasty nachos (cut up your tortillas and bake till crispy) or it'd be great with eggs (with or without the chicken).

I also whipped up some tasty Tuna Action too. (And whoever came up with the idea of tuna in a foil bag? I want to marry you.)

Take one of the single type serving bags of tuna and pour into a bowl.
Squeeze on the juice of 1/2 lime and add some minced tomato and cilantro. Mix it all up and serve in one of those ubiquitous corn tortillas. (because when they're on sale for 69 cents at the grocery store? You stock up.) Wicked tasty.

Blueberry Streusel Muffins

2005-07-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

Spied some yummy fresh blueberries at the store the other day, so I thought it was high time I made some muffins! My maa used to make these as treats when we were wee kids, and my brother loves them.

For the muffins you'll need

1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup soft butter
2 1/3 cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups fresh blueberries

For the streusel you'll need
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/3 cup flour
1/4 cup butter/margarine (DO NOT MELT!)

Note, if you double the muffin recipe, you don't need to double the streusel, because it makes a ton.

Pop all of the streusel ingredients into a medium bowl first, and cut together with a pastry cutter (or mash with forks, or two knives, or use your food processor if you're a techno-savvy baker) until you have a nice, fine crumb. If it's hinty-bazillion degrees in your kitchen, stow this in the fridge till the muffins are mixed.

Please note: This is NOT standard Muffin Mixing Procedure.

Cream together the sugar and butter until fluffy, then beat in the egg. Next add the flour (which has been mixed together with the baking powder and salt) and milk/vanilla combo alternately, and beat well. It's going to resemble a wet dough. THIS IS OK! Gently fold in the blueberries (which you have, naturally, washed well, and picked over).

Pop the batter into muffin tins (this single recipe will make 12 small or 6 jumbo muffins) which have been lined or prepared with cooking spray. Fill the cups about 2/3 full, then top with a heapin' pinch of streusel. Then bake for 20-25 minutes at 375. (if you use the jumbo pans, anticipate baking longer- closer to 25-30 minutes, but test frequently to make sure you don't overbake.)

These are super when warm, with a bit of butter, or room temperature, and they do freeze fairly well.

Let them eat cake!

2005-07-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

Especially if it's THIS cake, yo!
(The beautiful, talented, and awesome G. Monkey slices her birthday cake)

This is the cake before it's slaughter. Oh, poor dixie cup, we hardly knew ye. I have to say, the chocolate raspberry layer was the better of the two.

Mission Accomplished!

2005-07-16T17:46:00.000-07:00

The cake, she is finished!

Huzzah!

And it looks NOTHING like I had thought it would. But I like it better than my idea, so... woot.

Maa was the Wiltonator, and refused to let me touch anything, lest I "Screw it all up", so she wielded the decorating bags. But the cake? She is beautiful.

The chocolate and raspberry layer is iced in lavender, the butter and apricot layer is iced in lightish pink, and the dixie cup to hold the ribbon curls is iced in a pale turquoise. We did a plain scalloped border at the base of each cake, and put little dots of darker pink and white on them. (to look a bit like confetti.) I picked up 2 package toppers (curled ribbon) to use for the top of the cake. one is coral/lavender/peach, the other is pale yellow, green and aqua. I mixed the two sets of ribbon together, popped in some curled silver wire, and looped a few strands of the ribbon through that to give it some height, and that will sit on top of the dixie cup (a tall one, with the top cut off, so the ribbon just sits into the top of it) and cascade down. No candles (fire hazzard, and the ones I got looked like... ASS with the frosting.)

I hope she digs it- it looks effin' AWESOME.

And now, I have a cat to abuse, and a Monk card to make. :)

The icing on the what, now?

2005-07-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

I will admit it. I am a freak.

Why?

Because I dislike icing on my cake.

Well, most types of icing anyway. I love a good ganache, or a whipped cream style, or a nice peanut butter frosting if it's not too sweet, and of course, german chocolate topping. But your average, ordinary, run of the mill bakery frosting, or the stuff that comes in cans? GUH. Hate.

Why the prattling about icing?

Because I baked the cake layers today for G. Monkey's Thirtieth Birthday Cake (of Doom!) (because anything momentous should have (of doom!) after it.)

2 9 inch chocolate layers, 2 6 or 7 inch yellow cake layers. Of course, I had cake left over, so I made one 8x8 square for family consumption. I topped that with some semisweet chocolate chunks that I melted together with a splash of milk. YUM. (Boston cream pie, without the pesky cream to get all squishtastic.) I'm going to freeze the layers today, and frost them on Saturday night, I think. Maa has graciously offered her mad cake decorating skillz as well, so if her hands will tolerate it, I may call her in for the detail stuff.

I'm going to fill the chocolate layer with raspberry preserves, and probably frost it a bright turquoise (or whatever I have close in paste) and white, and the yellow layer will be filled with peach preserves, frosted in perhaps a bright pink and white, still similar to the cake from yesterday's post. I'm making the icing, so it won't be TOO revolting, I hope. I also found the candles, quite by accident, and the local (cheaper, too!) grocery store, so I am quite thrilled.

I also managed to get her "Monk Box" done- made "Mr. Monk's Bottled Water- Guaranteed untouched by human hands!" labels, as well as "Germs driving you crazy? Try Mr. Monk's Hand Sanitizer!" and "Want a snack that doubles as entertainment? You need Mr. Monk's Butter Popcorn!" packaging too. She should get a kick out of that, with the box set of season 3. Now all I need is the ribbon, and to check back in with Mr. Monkey about the final plans. :) HEE! I love parties.

Caaaake!

2005-07-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

And I can post this here, without G. Monkey reading the post. Muha. muha. Muhahaha.

(for those not in the know, G. Monkey's the other half of my brain (the smarter half, at that) and all around best friend EVAR.)

See, G. Monkey's turning 30 on the 19th. And she's gruxed for many moons that she's never once had a surprise party. So Mr. G. Monkey, being quite possibly the world's coolest husband ever, has decided to throw her one. This is where the evil laughter comes in. Because I? Get to make the cake. (and set up while they're gone, but mostly, I'm excited about the cake, because I can do party setup in my sleep.)

I know what I'd LIKE to do (namely, This little cake, only all grown up and full sized, with 2 different flavors- one per tier, with regular, not fondant icing.)

Though, I'd settle for a straight (not crazy) 2 tiered cake, chocolate base with raspberry or strawberry filling and vanilla & apricot/peach second tier with bright icing and these cute little candles I found at the grocery/craft store yesterday- (just the candles, not the other crap from the picture.)

I'm going to tap into my mother's mad Wilton skillz and see what she can recommend. I'm thinking I'll bake the layers on Friday, chill, seal them on Saturday before work, and frost saturday night after work. If it comes good, I'll take pictures to post. If it doesn't, you can write to me care of the "danger to self and others" ward at the local hospital. (I know, I know, how nerve-wracking can it be to do a cake for 20 people? But you see... there's a precedent here. I'm the "Creative" "good cooking" one. I can't show up with crap OR a store bought cake. I mean I could, and Mr. Monkey was going to just order a cake, but... Nah.And besides, how many times am I going to get to bake for G. Monkey's 30th?)

Also, if you're pressed for time, Jennie-O turkey breasts aren't half bad. Watch what you serve with them, because they're a touch salty, but not bad.

Little to report

2005-07-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

Except for the fact that Kirkland signature stir fry blend veggies rock my little world.

And I'm trying to come up with some sort of fried peanut butter and tunafish* sandwich for Fat Elvis, the newest arrival at the Saucehold. He's a 4 (or so) year old long haired black bundle of nerves, and he thinks that I am the best thing since, well... ever. I just have to look at him and he purrs. Granted, I'm looking at him upside down, as he hides under the chair, but still... I'm impressed. He was feral when the shelter got him, and hates men, loud (and some not-so-loud) noises, and Pounce treats. He thinks the other cats are alright, but they pretty much loathe him, so he's spending a lot of time down in the basement. Where he is currently scooping alllllllll of the litter out of his box.

I need to get the boy a bigger box.

I also need to get the matted fur off his sides.

Depending on the weather, (if it's too hot, she'll never go for it), and if the crops are good, I may con my mom into teaching me how to can tomato soup. And when she does? Oh, the recipe shall be here. And you will worship me. Because nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is as good as my mother's homemade tomato soup, with some freshly cooked up noodles, in the middle of winter. NOTHING. What she does with ripe tomatoes, a bay leaf, some flour, and the old crank mill is nothing short of genius. Cross your fingers that this rain keeps up, but not so much that the plants get funk, because I'd really like to spend my birthday weekend in the kitchen with Maa.

*Not really. I know cats aren't supposed to eat people tuna. But if you ever need to pill a cat on a long-term basis, and they won't fall for traditional methods, check with your vet about baby food. Crush the pill, mix it with the baby food, and serve, or load into a wide syringe (the kind you give baby medicines in) and administer that way (if you use the syringe, thin the baby food slightly with water or broth). Evil & I did that dance twice a day for quite some time, and while she didn't LOVE it, it was a lot less traumatic all around than the usual methods. (If the vet nixes baby food, you can use smooth style wet food the same way.)

Turkey & Stuffing Burgers

2005-07-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

Or, as I like to call 'em, Thanksgiving in July!

When I first made this recipe, I had a distinct vision of how I wanted this to turn out. It didn't quite work out right, but was delicious. I am, however, going to tell you how to do it, so it will work out beautifully, and act as my original creation. Ain't I swell? Heh. (fear not, I'll give you the flawed one too, at the end.)

What You'll Need:

1 pound ground skinless turkey
1 egg
1 small onion, minced
1 or 2 stalks celery, minced (include the yummy leafy bits)
4 slices bread- cubed
salt, pepper, 1-2 chicken bullion cubes
Poultry Seasoning blend, or your own mix of spices (thyme, rosemary, dill, parsley etc)
finely crushed cracker crumbs or instant mashed potato flakes (amount will vary)
a few tablespoons of milk
a dab of butter or margarine
vegetable oil, cooking spray, and/or a really good nonstick skillet.

Take your celery & onion, and a dab of butter/margarine, and cook over med/low heat until the onion is translucent, and the celery isn't so crunchy. In the meantime, cube up your bread, (white, wheat, or whatever, just make sure it's sandwich bread, and not a big crusty baguette). Pop the bread in one bowl, and your turkey into another. Divide the celery/onion mix between the bowls, probably about 60/40 in favor of the stuffing. Now, season your stuffing, crumble 1 chicken bullion cube over it, and add a dash or two of poultry seasoning (or use a fairly liberal sprinkling of the other herbs), add a bit of pepper, and mix the stuffing with a few tablespoons of the milk- just till it will hold together if squeezed.

Now, turn your attention to the turkey. Add the lightly beaten egg, (or egg beaters, if you like) another healthy dash of poultry seasoning, salt, pepper, and another crumbled up bullion cube, if you like. You'll note this whole mixture is really loose and in no way will make a decent burger. This is where your crackers or potato flakes come in handy. Add by about 1/4 cup at a time, and mix well, then let sit in the fridge for a few minutes, to see if it's stiff enough to handle well. Test the seasonings by pinching off a little bit and frying it in the pan you did the celery in. If you need to, adjust the rest of the seasonings, if not, you're on to shaping.

Make twice as many thin patties as you plan on serving. For example, serving 4 burgers? Make 8 very thin patties. On top of half the patties, place a ball (or a disc, more accurately) of stuffing, then top with the plain turkey patties. Seal the edges together well, and cook in a little dab of oil or cooking spray in a nonstick pan until the turkey is done, and the stuffing is hot.

You could serve with gravy, or pop it on a bun with a little cranberry relish, a side of baked/grilled sweet potatoes, and fresh green beans. Woo!

That's how it's SUPPOSED to be, but if you're pressed for time, you can just mix the stuffing, and some of the cracker crumbs straight into the turkey mixture, form the whole thing into regular patties, and cook like a normal burger. Still tastes just as good, too.

Southwest Shells

2005-06-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay, things have been in a bit of turmoil at the Saucehold. You can read about things here, if you are so inclined.

This evening's supper was made from a recipe I got from a woman I worked with at the hospital. I forget where she got it, bit it is rather good. (And yes, purists, I know it's not authentic. Doesn't stop it from being fast and tasty.)

Southwestern Shells, Sorta

You'll need

1 pound (approximately) of your favorite Ground Beast or Ground Beast Substitute
1 brick of cream cheese (full, low, or no fat)
1 packet of taco seasoning (or your own blend of cumin, garlic, chili, etc)
1 jar salsa
1-2 cans tomatoes (diced plain, Southwest style, Rotel, whatever floats your boat)
Cheese (cheddar, Jack, Taco, fresco/blanco, it's flexible.)
Large or Jumbo pasta shells (though, in a pinch, you could use lasagna, or other pasta and make a casserole instead)

Boil the pasta till it's al dente. If it's a little underdone, don't panic. You can fix it. In the meantime, brown your ground beast. When it's cooked, add the taco seasoning (with the amount of water indicated on the packet) or your own blend, with about a half cup of water. Cook the seasonings and beast together for a few minutes, then remove from the heat. Cube the cream cheese, and add to the warm meaty mixture. Mix the meat and cream cheese until thoroughly combined. This will be the filling for your shells.

Once the shells are finished cooking, prep your pan by putting in 1/2 can or so of the tomatoes on the bottom. (If your shells are a little underdone, put 1 full can on the bottom, juice and all.) Fill your shells with the meat mixture and place them on the tomatoes. Once your pan is filled, top with the remaining tomatoes (add an extra can if you so desire) and/or salsa. (My family hates spice, so I top with plain tomatoes, and serve salsa on the side.)

Top the whole shebang with cheese, wrap in foil, and pop it into your oven (350) till it's bubbly. Take the foil off and let the cheese brown up some, and you're good to go.

Note: If you're cooking on the cheap, or are using up some beast from a larger package, feel free to stretch the meat mix with a can of black or pinto beans. None shall be the wiser, and it tastes good too. Just pop them in when you add the spice mix.

And a side note: The German Chocolate cake on the inside of the Baker's German Chocolate box is really, really freakin' good. My dad's favorite cake is GC, and I meant to make it for him for Father's Day, but was stuck working a double. So I whipped this up on Tuesday to rave reviews. The icing in particular is delicious. Just the right custardy feel to it. Mmmm.

Bumble Bee Tuna Steaks

2005-06-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

So for supper this evening I decided to try the new Bumble Bee marinated tuna steaks. Well, steak. You can find a whole host of flavored tuna in those swell little plasti-foil pouches now. I'm a huge fan of the Garlic & Herb Starkist pouches (and so is everyone else, apparently, because I have a hard time finding it). The Lemon Pepper tuna is also good. It's great because you can just open the baggie and dive in. It's great on salads, or just plain. That said, the tuna steaks are a bit interesting.

The size is just right for one person, and the Ginger Soy marinade on the one I purchased is delicate, but tasty. However, what you need to remember is that this is, basically, canned tuna. It's ultra-firm, and that's a little creepy. I'm used to a piece of fish that big being a bit... juicier/more tender. (Even regular tuna/salmon/other fish steaks.) That was a bit difficult to get used to. Overall, it wasn't bad, and with the help of some jasmine rice (boil in bag, oddly enough- which was very tasty.) and veggies I had supper ready in under 10 minutes.

What was that supper?

Wicked Fast Food

You'll need:

1 marinated tuna steak (if you use the bumblebee, it'll be a lot faster, but your own tuna will taste 1,000 times better)
1 pouch boil in bag rice (success brand is actually pretty decent) or your own real rice.
1 cup of your favorite frozen stir-fry vegetable blend

Soy Sauce, if you like.

Start by boiling the water you'll need for your rice. When the water's ready, cook according to the package directions (though, I find it always cooks faster than they say). While the rice is cooking, put your vegetables in a small pyrex/microwave safe container. Open up the tuna package and pour the extra marinade in with the vegetables. Cover the veggies with plastic wrap and nuke for 3 minutes (give or take). When the veggies are done, and the rice is tender, microwave the tuna for 30 seconds.

To serve, put some of the rice on your plate, pour the vegetables and marinade over top, and serve with the tuna.

Tasty, rapid, and not bad for you. Of course, now i need to figure out how to turn that leftover rice into rice pudding, because I'm fiending.

Mini Margherita Pizzas

2005-06-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

Now that it's not so ungodly hot in the house, I decided to fire up the oven and make Mini Margherita Pizzas.

Scale this recipe up or down, depending on the number of tomatoes you have, and people you need to feed.

For 3 rounds, I used:

1 medium tomato and 6 smaller campari tomatoes, small dice (but use whatever floats your boat)
1 gigantic clove of garlic
a good amount of fresh basil. sliced thinly
Olive Oil
Mozarella (fresh if you can get it)
Pocketless pitas (or wheat pocket-y ones)

peel your garlic clove and if it's big, whack it into a few pieces. Place it in a small saute pan over medium heat. Toast it for a few minutes, just to take the bite out of it.

In the meantime, dice your tomatoes into small pieces and toss them in the basket of your salad spinner. When you think you have enough, put the lid on, and spin out the seeds and goop. Run the toasted garlic through a garlic press, and add your thinly shredded basil. Salt & pepper to taste, if you like.

Put the tomato mixture on the pitas, drizzle with olive oil, and top with the cheese. Bake in a 350 oven until cheese is melted and the crust is as crispy as you prefer.

Gee, can you tell I'm not cooking for my family this week? I always eat more healthily when left to my own devices. Heh.

Why it rocks to live in the "country"

2005-06-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

What did I do this morning?

Picked cherries off the tree in the back yard.

Sure, the birds got the top half of the tree, but I got everything I could reach that hadn't been pecked already. Suhweeeet.

And if you're ever faced with a large quantity of cherries to pit, the best tool is NOT a paper clip. They're too flimsy. Instead, get two smallish binder clips. Make them "bite" each other, by clipping them together (so the silver pieces are on the outsides, and the black bits meet in the middle). Use one of the silver bits to pit your cherries. MUCH easier.

I'll probably pit and freeze these guys, and make some cobbler or something later on.

Whee!

Central Market 'Mater Salad

2005-06-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

We got this salad at one of the market stands last week, and It was awesome. One of the weird knacks I have is being able to figure out what's in something, so I can make it again at home. It doesn't work out every time, but usually I can figure stuff out, if I really like it. That said, I hit this one spot on.

Central Market 'Mater Salad

Again, I hate measuring. Scale this base idea up or down depending on your tastes and the number of people you have to feed. This particular batch made a nice sized bowl full (bigger than a cereal bowl, smaller than a 10 cup tupperware container) for a side dish. I have enough for lunch tomorrow (paired with some lemon-pepper tuna), easily.

You'll need:

2-3 medium tomatoes. Get the ugly-ripe ones, or a box of the campari brand ones, if good tomatoes aren't in season.
1 lime
1 rib of celery
1 1 small tin of sliced black olives
1-2 tablespoons fresh cilantro

Chop up your tomatoes into bite sized pieces. You may wish to use more tomatoes, but whatever you do, for the love of pete, do not use styrofoam, flavorless, wooden tomatoes. Your salad will suck*. Ripe, juicy, flavorful tomatoes are crucial to this recipe. Slice up your celery into reasonably thin-ish slices. You don't have to split the rib in half, though, unless it's ginormous. Toss both into a bowl and sprinkle a pinch of salt over the lot. Mix it together, toss on your drained olives, minced cilantro**, and squeeze on the juice of half the lime. Reserve the other half of the lime for iced tea, margaritas, or in case your salad needs it later.

Pop the whole lot into the fridge and let it sit for a bit. The tomatoes will give up some of their delicious juice, mingle with the lime and cilantro, and make the whole thing pretty much scream SUMMER at the top of its little tomatoey lungs. SO. Good.

Edited to add: If you're feeling particularly adventuresome, the leftovers of the salad are especially tasty when you add in some cooked tortellini, and let the whole thing sit for a while. You may need a bit more lime juice, and a shot of olive oil, but the thing will be ultra-tasty. (So discovered because I made Barilla's dried porcini mushroom tortellini for supper, and put the extra pasta in the leftover salad. Will make an awesome lunch!)

* Seriously. If you use crappy tomatoes, I will know, and I'll smack you. Use the Cherry-Berry ones if you want, but don't use shitty tomatoes.

** I don't want to hear "I don't like cilantro". Use it. My mother, whose vehement hatred of cilantro rivals only her abiding hatred of CCR, didn't mind the cilantro in this recipe. Besides, Cilantro and Lime is a classic. Hell, if I could bottle the fragrance of C&L, and wear it, I would.

And while I'm at it

2005-06-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

I have to say, Bisquick is my friend.

I've been a biscuit fiend lately. I don't know why. And for whatever reason? Bisquick does it for me. And the new reduced-fat bisquick? It's awesome. I recommend it highly.

On that end, 2 of my favorite goodies from the Bisquick Box.

Bisquick Biscuits (good for fiendish cravings)

2 1/4 cups bisquick
2/3 cup milk

Mix together. Turn dough out onto work surface dusted with bisquick. Knead about 10 times. Roll about 3/4 inch thick, and cut out with a drinking glass. Bake at 450 for 9 minutes, brush the tops with butter, and be happy, oh so happy.

If you're feeling shmancy, throw in about 1/2 to 2/3 cup of shredded cheese, and (if you're adventuresome) a healthy dose of coarsely cracked black pepper. The closest, fastest thing to my grandma's pepper cheese bread.

...and a note on grandma's pepper cheese bread. I always wanted that recipe, and I think my mom got it before my grandmother died. However, I haven't seen it in years, and I fear it may be lost. Which is a shame, because my Aunt Sandy has the house, and all its contents. And I know I will never see that recipe again. (Family feuds, love 'em.) Grandma was incredible- she had this big flour bin in the kitchen- her recipes weren't for one or two loaves. Oh no. We're talking 12 loaves at a time. TWELVE. And rarely did she write down things- she just knew how much flour and yeast to dish out.

Come to think of it, both my grandmothers had their strong suits. Dad's mom was the queen of bread, and made the world's best beer-battered fish- always made with their catch from Canada, or the local creeks. So good. Grandma G. also made the best macaroni salad. Nobody knows how she did it, but you could always count on it at picnics and funerals. However, Grandma G. made lousy pie crusts.

Grammy on the other hand? AWESOME pie crusts. Crappy bread. Which leads to the family theory. You're either a pie person or a bread person, but rarely both. I make a passable pie crust (mom doesn't hate it. Which is not faint praise, I assure you- She's a pie crust person.) I'm better with bread, but don't always like taking the time to do it. Apparently I cook like grammy (and look like her too, go figure). Which is a point of pride for me.

Anyway, pardon that little trip down memory lane.

On to my favorite summer dish- shortcake. I actually dragged out an ancient bag of frozen blueberries today, to appease the family, as I was craving just plain old shortcake. Bisquick, naturally.

Bisquick shortcakes

2 1/3 cups bisquick
1/2 cup milk
3 Tablespoons sugar
3 Tablespoons melted butter

Mix that all together, and drop into about 6 little mounds on a baking sheet. Sprinkle with a little more sugar if you like, and bake at 425 for 12 minutes.

YUM.

Aunt & Uncle who came to visit say I should really cook in a professional capacity. Or cater. I'd just be afraid I'd suck, or hate it. Though I have toyed with the notion of opening a stand at market before. I don't know if I'd have enough hook. Then again, one of the places we visited at lunchtime was pretty simple, and did a decent business.

Who knows...

Grilled Sweet Taters

2005-06-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

So you are hungry for baked sweet potatoes, are you? What's that? It's hot enough to fry a dog on your kitchen floor? (A hot dog, people, not a real dog. Sickos.) Fear not. You can copy the taste without turning on the oven.

How? You can make Grilled Sweet Taters.
(Use your electric grill pan, stovetop grill pan, or outdoor grill)

What you'll need:

3 (or so) Sweet Potatoes
about 3 tablespoons (or less) of vegetable oilabout 3 Tablespoons Brown Sugar
about 2-3 Tablespoons Butter
a healthy squirt of Lemon Juice
A pinch of Cinnamon
A pinch of salt

Scrub your taters thoroughly, and slice them (on a diagonal, it's prettier) about 1/4 inch thick. Place the slices in a bowl, and toss with a bit of vegetable oil to coat.

Now, if you're using an electric grill, and it's a piece of crap like mine, that you can't regulate the temperature on, arrange the sliced potatoes on a microwave-safe plate and nuke for 1 minute or so. If you're using a real grill, you can put them in a spot where the heat's not too high, and if you're using a grill pan on your stove, keep the heat moderate.

Grill until the potato slices are tender- your time will vary based on the type of grill you're using. It took about 3 minutes per side (though I turned them somewhat frequently) on my crappy electric grill.

In the meantime, put the sugar, butter, lemon juice & cinnamon in a small, microwave-safe container (or in a grill-safe container and melt on the grill) and nuke about 30 seconds- long enough to melt the butter. Stir it up.

Pull the potatoes off, and put them back into a bowl (use the one you used to toss them with the oil). Toss with the sugar/butter mixture and put onto a convenient plate. Sprinkle with a tinch of salt, and you're good to go. Quite tasty.

Again, with the strawberries

2005-06-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

So I have 3 quarts of strawberries in my fridge right now, and there are only so many tarts to spread around the neighborhood (though the woman who runs the storage rental place was ever so delighted to receive some) so I'm gettin' creative. With that in mind, I present:

Crazy-ass Salad

You will need:

About a cup, to a cup and a half of sweet corn. I used 3 ears worth of corn on the cob (cooked), but you could use frozen or canned

About a cup and a half to two cups of quartered strawberries

1 scallion or spring onion

1/4-1/3 cup white vinegar
1 Tablespoon sugar
a healthy dash of celery seed
salt & pepper to taste

slice up the scallion, and sprinkle it over your corn and strawberries. In a small jar with a tight fitting lid, combine the remaining ingredients, and shake well. Taste it to see if you need more sugar or vinegar. You can also add a dash of water if necessary. Pour over the corn/strawberries/scallions, and you're good to go.

I know it sounds revolting, but it's really quite good. The sweetness of the corn and strawberries is picked up by the sweet/sour dressing, and it just works. You could also toss in a bit of minced bell pepper if you were so inclined.

Maybe tomorrow I'll make chicken and strawberry stir fry. A local Chinese restaurant makes that, and it's delicious.

Strawberry Season!

2005-06-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

It's Strawberry time here in Pennsyltucky, and I am in ecstasy. Yes. Really. Honestly, if you don't have any where to get fresh strawberries where you are, move. No, I'm not kidding. Fresh strawberries, like fresh tomatoes, are proof that there is a God, and that God? Is happy.

I just picked up 4 quarts of strawberries from the Amish lady up the road, so I present to you my Quick and Easy Strawberry Tartlets

There is NO measuring in this one. It all depends on how many strawberries you have.

You'll need:

1 package refrigerated pie dough OR one recipe of your favorite pie dough
Chocolate bits
Strawberry Jelly (NOT JAM) or Strawberry glaze
Strawberries

You'll also need a tartlet pan (the kind of pan that looks like a mini cupcake tin), a cupcake tin, or a jumbo muffin pan. Whatever you have that's handy.

Eyeball your baking apparatus. If you're using a tartlet pan, a narrow drinking glass should be perfect for cutting out circles of dough. For a cupcake pan, probably a pint glass, or a biscut cutter. For a jumbo muffin tin, I used a quart sized soup container from the Chinese restaurant. Open up the pie dough, and place it flat upon your countertop. Cut out the circles of dough, and gently press them into your baking pans. (I recommend spritzing the pan's wells with Pam beforehand) Be sure to get the dough as flat to the sides/bottom as possible.

Take your handy fork, skewer, or other sharp pointy thing, and dock the pie dough. (Docking means "poke lots of little holes into it, so that when you bake this, it won't blow up like a balloon.) Make sure to get the bottom and the sides. Don't turn it into swiss cheese, but make sure that you've covered it pretty thoroughly.

Bake as directed on the package. (I went about 11 minutes, but I'd keep checking every few minutes after 5, just to be safe.) The crust is done when it's slightly browned, and crispy.

After you pull the crusts out of the oven, drop a few chocolate bits into the bottom of the crust, and let them melt a bit. Smoosh the melty bits around to coat the bottom of the crust. Remove the crusts from their pans, and let them cool off on a baking rack.

When the shells are cooled, fill with sliced (or un) strawberries. The tartlet pans are perfect for one small strawberry each, the larger ones, you can slice up several to fill.

If you'd like, you can stop right there, but if your strawberries aren't quite sweet enough for you, or you'd like them shiny, melt some strawberry jelly in the microwave and brush it over the strawberries with a pastry brush. Taadaa! Good eatin!

Cleaning your grill

2005-05-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, and faced with a seriously funky grill grate at the start of the summer cookout season, you may think your options are limited. You can scour until your arms fall off, with that tiny wire brush, or perhaps you can blast the bejesus out of the thing with oven cleaner. Believe it or not, there is an easier way to get last year's crap off your grill, and it's only going to take newspaper, dish soap, and a garden hose.

Yes. You read that correctly. A few sections of your local newspaper, ordinary dish soap, the kind that is sitting by your sink right now, and the garden hose. (Or a bucket of water)

Go somewhere where there is 1) enough room, 2)nothing that will get messed up by water/newsprint. Lay down a few sections of your newspaper. On top of this, put your grill rack, and squirt the whole shebang down with the dish soap. Pretend you're Jackson Pollack. Make the mark of Zorro! Now, hit it with the hose. Do you have a lot of water on there? Good. Now slap another few sections of newspaper on top, and blast THEM with the hose too. (So you've created a Newspaper & Grill sandwich- the paper's the bread, the soap and grill rack are the fixins.) Let the whole thing sit, unmolested, for about a half hour, forty-five minutes.

When the time is up, go out, and use some more wadded up newspaper, or your trusty scrub brush to get the last of the gunk off, and rinse it really well with the hose. I don't know WHY this works, but it does. When I started out yesterday, there was so much shit on our grill, I didn't even want to use it with tinfoil over the grate, but by the time I was done (with no scrubbing with the wire thing, I might add)the thing looked AWESOME.

Give it a shot. You'll be surprised.

Turtle Brownies

2005-05-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

Now with 100% more turtle!

Warning: do not serve to friends with loose fillings!

1 brownie mix (the kind to go in a 9x13 pan) OR the basic baker's one bowl brownies (just go easier on the mix ins)
Whatever ingredients your brownie mix requires (egg, oil, water)

1 cup (or so) chocolate bits
10-12 Brachs Caramels
about 1 cup pecans or pecan pieces

First, cut up your caramels into itty-bitty pieces (like into thirds, then cut those thirds into 3-4 pieces each- you want them small). You can use a regular paring-type knife for this. It helps to squirt the knife periodically with cooking spray, and/or run it under hot water to de-caramelize the blade. (You can use more caramels if you like.) Add the caramels and the chocolate bits to the DRY portion of the mix/recipe. Toss with the mix/flour till the bits are coated. This will keep them from sinking like stones to the bottom of the pan. Prepare the rest of the mix/recipe as directed.

Pour the batter into your prepared pan, smooth out, and top with your pecans. (You can use walnuts, in a pinch.) Bake as directed (until a toothpick inserted 1" from the edge comes out reasonably clean). Cool slightly, cut, and watch out for your fillings.

Desperate Dinners

2005-05-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

You know what I'm talking about. Everyone has at least one dish in their family that was the "I've got kids to feed, and nothing in the cupboards, and no cash till payday" dish. Of course, you didn't know that at the time, but that's what it was. Still have 'em, too. I just made one of them tonight, not because I'm on the verge of starvation, but because I had a Fiendish craving for some biscuits, and had no beef stew to put over them.

Mom's Old Fashioned Tuna Barf

Don't let the name put you off, or even the appearance of the finished product. It's really pretty good. Also, it's strangely comforting.

You will need:

1 can cheddar cheese soup
1 can tuna (drained)
1 small can peas (but leftovers from last night are just as fine, Frozen's best if you have 'em, but not authentic.)
1/2 soup can of milk

Empty the soup into a saucepan, mix with the 1/2 can milk. Now, if you're not resorting to desperate measures, throw in some hot sauce, lemon juice, red wine vinegar, dried mustard, and/or black pepper to make the soup "zippy" enough for you. (A few years ago, Campbells changed the formula for their cheese soup, and it's not like it was when I was a kid, but varying amounts of the aforementioned additives, specifically the R.W. vinegar, help)

When the soup's warmed up, add the tuna and peas, and heat through. If times are really desperate, serve over saltines. If you've got bread, spoon this over toast. If you're livin' high on the hog, make yourself some bisquick biscuits, split 'em, and put this over 'em.

I can't make this stuff too often, because I have the king of all carnivores (I swear, if he could have meat buns to put his hamburgers on, he'd be the happiest man alive) to cook for. Dad gets pissy if he doesn't get meat at least once a day. However, when I lived in Florida, I used to make this a lot.

Mmm. Rice.

You'll need

Chicken Broth
Rice. A short grain, like Valencia.
The amount of rice you'll use is dependent on how much chicken broth you have, and how many people you're feeding. About half as much rice as you have broth, when in doubt, err on the side of having more liquid than rice (feel free to fill in the gaps with water)
A dab of butter if you have it.

Put your rice in a saucepan with a lid, and add the chicken broth all at once. Cook until the rice is tender, but you still have a bit of soupy liquid (you may need to add more chicken broth or water to make sure it's sorta soup-ish)

If you're feeling especially sassy, you can sautee up a mess of spinach in some olive oil and garlic and put it on top of the rice. YUM.

Note: If you have a large Cuban or Caribbean population in your town, you'll have an easier time finding valencia rice. Sure, you could use Arborio, but I'm way too cheap to spend 4.50 on a jar of rice, when I can get a bag of valencia for around a dollar.

Of course, I can't FIND valencia rice here, because I'm in the land of the Amish. If you happen to have Valencia rice in your neighborhood grocery store, PLEASE email me at aurolyn AT gmail DOT com, and I will buy it from you.

Here's to not so desperate times, and eating well even when there's nothin' doin' in the cupboard.

If you're into that sort of thing

2005-05-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

You can make a pretty decent Frappuccino knockoff at home, if you are so inclined.

Milk. Skim, Whole, Cow, Goat, Soy, whatever.
1 spoonful of instant coffee (quantity depends on your masochism level)
1 healthy squirt of Hershey's syrup (I always was partial to the mocha fraps)

Sweetener of some sort. Splenda, real sugar, Whatever.

Mix the whole shebang together (or if you're feeling sassy, throw it in a shaker). I will warn you, the instant coffee tends to take a bit to dissolve in the milk, but it will, eventually.

Of course, now I won't be able to sleep.

And because I can't remember if I have posted this before or not, it's worth repeating-

The Best Mac & Cheese, EVER.

Oh, thank you, thank you Alton Brown. I want to have your babies. We shall feed them Meat loaf and mac and cheese, and teach them the ways of food geekery.

If you're feeling fat/guilty/whatever, this works out just as well with skim milk, margarine, and 2% cheese. You can also use less cheese and more mustard/hot sauce.

8 ounces (1/2 package) macaroni. Elbows or shells, or corkscrews if you're feeling sassy.
Around 10 ounces of cheese. Give or take. Often I'll just use up whatever's floating around in the fridge, a little more, a little less, no big whoop. More on this in a minute-
3 tablespoons butter
3-4 tablespoons flour
2 cups or so of milk
a healthy teaspoon or two of dry mustard
a healthy shake (or 6) of hot sauce
Salt & Pepper to taste.

Cook your macaroni according to package directions. While that's going on, think about what cheese you want. I'm partial to sharp cheddar when I have it. However, I've used various combinations including portions of:
Cottage Cheese (just a few spoonsful)
String Cheese
Italian Blend
Cheese Whiz
Colby Jack
Pepper Jack
Parmesan
Sandwich cheese
Swiss
Taco Flavored cheese

I've yet to turn out a crappy batch of Mac and Cheese. The trick is the dry mustard & hot sauce. If you've got a really bland cheese mix going on, kick up the mustard and hot sauce quotient, to help out. The hot sauce really doesn't add much heat, you've got too much dairy goin' on for that. Anyway... the sauce.

Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in your flour and cook for a minute or two. Slowly, add your milk, whisking constantly until it's lump-free. Add the mustard and hot sauce and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly (or near to it) until the mixture is thick, and reminds you of sauce (just as it comes to a boil, usually). Take the sauce off the heat, and stir in your cheese(s) a bit at a time, melting the previous addition thoroughly before adding the next. Once your cheese is incorporated, taste the sauce to see if you need to tweak the seasonings, then mix with the cooked, drained macaroni.

Pop the whole shebang into a lubed-up casserole dish, top with breadcrumbs, cornflakes, or just some parsley, and whip it into a 350 degree oven until the sauce sets up a bit and the top is a bit brown.

Yum!

Also: if your sauce won't get thick enough, it may be because there wasn't enough flour in the original roux. No big deal, you can tweak the quantities next time. In the meantime, you can fake it with a little cornstarch, and some extra cheese (parmesan's a good thickener). After it's in the oven, it thickens up a bit more too, so chances are, nobody will notice. Besides, even when Mac and Cheese is bad, it's damned good.

Oo! Oo! A threefer!

2005-05-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

To make amends for not posting in what, a month? I have three recipes for today. Well, two and a half.

Today we've got Wicked Good Twice Baked Taters, which can be made from leftovers of Crock Pot Ham'n'Green Beans, followed with Spam-Fry. Which is actually tastier than it sounds, as I hate spam, but love this.

First up, the Crock Pot Ham'n'Green Beans

You will need:

1 Crock Pot
1 Big whonkin' bag of frozen (whole) green beans. (Or 2 boxes, or a smaller bag & a half)
1 medium potato, peeled & diced
1 cryo-pack of diced ham (if you're lazy, like I was) or a ham steak, cubed, or leftover ham. About a cup or two.
1 can chicken broth
Celery seed, pepper, onion flakes (or the real thing), and the teensiest bit of salt to taste, if you are so inclined.

Spray your crock pot with cooking spray, or, if you're really lazy, use one of those plastic oven bags to line it. Then, layer in about half your beans, the potato, half the ham cubes, another layer of green beans, and the remaining ham. (or just dump it all together, it'll get stirred eventually. I like having the potatoes in the middle though, because I'm weird.) Add your seasonings, and pour on the can of chicken broth. Cook it on low until you get home from work, or high for 2-3 hours (till the beans are unfrozen, the potatoes are cooked, and the whole thing tastes swell) stirring occasionally, if you can.

Serve with baked potatoes (yes, I know, potato overload. But if you don't how can you make fun things out of the leftovers?)

Wicked Good Twiced Baked 'Taters

The quantity depends on how many leftover potatoes you have. Do this for however many taters you've got, or mouths to feed. If you only have one tater and two people, cut the tater in half, and each of you gets half.

Cut the top off your tater so it looks like a canoe, hollow it out carefully with a spoon- set the canoe aside, you'll get to it in a minute. In a bowl, mash up the scooped out (and cut off) tater bits with a fork. Dice up a few of the ham cubes, add a few green beans (if they're nice and mushy) and a little of the broth, and add a bit of cheese (swiss, cheddar, whiz- whatever's in the fridge). Mix that all together and nuke the mix in the microwave for about one minute.

Scoop the whole shebang (and yes, it will be more than you think the potato can handle. Fear not, the potato is sturdy) into the potato, packing it tightly, and mounding it up like a little 'tater Rushmore. Toss the potato canoe (gently, ever so gently) into your handy toaster oven for a few minutes (just till your potato canoe is warm, and the top gets a bit crusty-ish). If you don't have a toaster oven, just nuke it for another few seconds.

Tasty.

AND... Spam-Fry

This is one of those accidental recipes. I just kind of threw together what we had in the house, and it didn't turn out half bad. (And if you have a Costco membership, those frozen Kirkland stir fry vegetables are fucking AWESOME.)

1 can Spam (preferably the one with the Spamalot can, just because.)
4 cups frozen stir fry veggies
1-2 packages of ramen noodles, whatever flavor floats your boat. I've done it with chicken, and Roast Beef flavors.
Soy Sauce to taste
a little less than 1/4 cup cornstarch, and about a cup, cup and a third of water. (or whatever you use to make your stir fry sauce with)

Open the Spam (spam spam spam) (as it tastes like ass when it's still in the can) and slice the log-o-meat into about 6 thickish slices. Cook these in a frying pan (or your wok, if you're fancy-schmancy) until they're nice and crusty on both sides. (Not crusty like a longshoreman, but crusty like the caramelized yumminess.) Remove the Spam from the pan, and cut it into strips or chunks.

While the Spam (spam spam spam spam spam) is cooking, you can start the veggies- I put them in a pyrex measuring cup, cover it with saran-wrap, and nuke them for about 3-4 minutes, so that they don't take forever to cook in the pan. You can also be boiling the water for your ramen noodles. Hang onto the sauce packet(s) It/they will be handy in a few minutes.

Once the veggies are partially cooked, toss them in the pan you cooked the Spam (spam spam spam) in, get them goin' and slide that Spam (spam spam spam) back on into the pan. Heat them through, and put together your "sauce". Add the contents of the Ramen packet, a few good shots of soy sauce (lite, for the love of Elvis- or you're going to need a gallon of water to drink with this), and corn starch to the water (or vice versa). Stir vigorously, and pour onto the goodies in the pan. When the cornstarch mixture thickens, and looks clear(er), it's done.

Serve over the cooked Ramen noodles. Sure, it's totally trashy, but it's pretty damned tasty.

The Best Damn Artichoke Dip Ever

2005-05-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Even Tom Arnold would eat it. The recipe was originally found on the Etiquette Grrl's site, however, they've been otherwise occupied of late. I have since added a few of my own twists to it to make it uniquely my own.

Note, it also looks really good for a halloween party if you put it in an appropriate container and call it "Zombie Brain Dip".

1 box frozen chopped spinach, thawed & drained
1 can artichoke hearts, drained (not the marinated kind)
1 cup or so (eyeball it) of Mayo (the world will not end if you use Light mayo, but don't use Miracle Whip.)
1 cup or so of Sour Cream (I use the light kind)
1 cup or so of italian blend grated cheese (or more, if you like)
a good pinch of red pepper flakes or hot sauce
a good healthy addition of dried onion flakes
a dash of garlic powder
salt
pepper

Put your Spinach in a bowl (make sure it's squeezed out so it's dry), and with your fingers, break up the artichoke hearts as you add them to the bowl (just squish 'em up- chunky is good). Add the rest of the other ingredients and mix well. You can add some grated parmesan cheese too, if you like.

Now, if it's hot out, and you like, you can stop here. It's a pretty good cold dip, but if you're the oven-owning type, I recommend putting the dip in an ovenproof container, baking at about 350 till it's hot and bubbly, and (if you put a little extra cheese on top) it gets nice and brown. You will be rewarded.

Serve it with wheaty crackers (triscuits?) celery sticks, cucumber slices, or whatever else floats your boat. Leftovers are good schmeared on a tortilla, and wrapped up, then sliced like little pinwheels. Yum.

Magicdude's Cold Asian Fish Salad

2005-04-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

This is a recipe from my friend Magicdude. He still lives in Key West, and routinely sends me updates that make me thoroughly homesick. sigh. He also has come up with a fish salad I really want to make. (damn my family and friends for hating fish) Of course, Magicdude usually cooks to feed an army, so when he says "4 servings" he means 4 servings for very hungry people.

Magic Dude's Cold Asian Fish Salad

1 head romaine lettuce
2 zucchini
½ white onion
4-6 stalks green onions/scallions
1 green bell pepper
1 tomato
2 cans baby corn nuggets or spears
2 oz. capers, drained
8-10 oz. Asian sesame and/or ginger dressing
crunchy Oriental noodles
2 package (4 oz. each) smoked salmon
2 tins (2 oz. each) anchovy fillets

Rinse all produce. Chop romaine lettuce and zucchini to bite size pieces. Cut white onion, scallions and pepper to small pieces. Dice tomato. If using whole baby corn spears, cut to nugget size. Slice salmon and achovies to small pieces.

Place bed of lettuce in large salad or serving bowl. Add the rest of the chopped produce, and capers. Add dressing. Top with crunchy noodles, anchovies and salmon. Feeds four.

If you make it before I do, tell me how it is!

Macho Gazpacho

2005-04-12T06:06:00.000-07:00

This chilled soup ain't for sissies. At least not the way I make it. It also makes a ton, so be prepared to eat it a few days, or feed your friends. All of them. (You could also probably freeze this with no ill effects.)

What you'll need

1 can corn (I use sodium free, or you can use a can's worth of frozen)
1 can black beans rinse and drain these well
1 carrot, diced 2 if you're freaky like that.
1-2 stalks celery
1-2 medium sized tomatoes, diced or one can of GOOD tomatoes if you're doing this in January
1 cucumber, seeded, chopped use English if you like.
1/2 to 1 green pepper or another color if you're feeling fancy
1-2 jalapenos or use a hotter pepper if you're so inclined- minced.
1 large bottle V-8 or tomato juice Spicy, if you like
Tabasco optional, but I like it
sour cream this is for garnish, and is optional

Now, for the love of all that's holy, wear GLOVES when you seed and mince your jalapenos. Trust me, it sucks having hands that burn all night long. And don't poke at your eyes, nose, or other damp bits unless you've washed your hands thoroughly, repeatedly, unles you enjoy weeeping and cursing the day you ever looked at a hot pepper.

That said. Prep your veggies, and put them in a big whonkin' container. Aim for bite sized hunks. If you like things spicy, don't seed your jalapeno, if you prefer milder fare, omit the jalapeno, or carefully remove the ribs and seeds.

Once all of your veggies are in the container, pour on enough vegetable or tomato juice to make it soup. Season with tabasco, and chill for an hour or so (though if you don't, you won't die). Serve cold, topped with a dab of sour cream and some really good crackers.

Inaugural Posting

2005-04-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

As I write this, the crust for a strawberry tart is cooling in my freezer. This is, as Martha Stewart would say, "a good thing". My goal is to put the recipes I'd normally throw on my other blog, here, as well as some of the weird stuff I've learned in a lifetime of reading cookbooks like they were Harlequin romance novels.

This won't be just my recipes, but things I've received from friends, and adaptations of established recipes (by those lucky bastards with TV shows-- I'm looking at you Alton & Rachael) and a place to mock the good, the bad, and the Atkins. My forte is food that looks impressive, tastes pretty damned good, and doesn't take all day to make. So,if you want roast suckling pig, you are barking up the wrong tree.

Hope you'll enjoy this, and check in frequently. Also, don't be afraid to send me your recipes, tips and tricks.

And never fear- that strawberry tart recipe is coming.

Strawberry Tart

2005-04-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

This tart can be made with any fruit, actually. Strawberries just happen to be coming into peak right around now.

The basic components are crust, filling & fruit. The filling is custard-style yogurt, in a flavor that will complement your fruit. The fruit is whatever is in season but more on that in a bit. First up, the crust.

2 to 2 1/2 cups cookie crumbs They could be graham cracker, nilla wafer, shortbread, gingersnap or any combination thereof. My personal favorite is half graham and half gingersnap.

3/4 stick butter Yes. Butter. I will laugh at you if you use margarine.

a healthy squeezin' of lemon pick out the seeds.

One egg white feed the yolk to your cat/dog for a shiny coat.

Those things will make your crust. I recommend making this first. I also recommend investing in a medium-sized tart pan with a removable bottom, which will only set you back about 6 bucks (at a kitchenware outlet), but will impress the shit out of your friends. This recipe is made for a medium tart pan.

To actually assemble the crust: Preheat your oven to 350. Put the crumbs in a mixing bowl. Melt the butter in the microwave (in a pyrex cup, or bowl, covered in plastic wrap so you don't have a buttery microwave) or on the stove. Squeeze in the lemon, and once the butter is slightly cool, whisk in the egg white. Pour the whole shebang over your crumbs and mix together with a fork or spoon. You'll have a nice wet gooey sort of mess. About like cookie dough. Spray your tart pan with cooking spray, and put the crust in the pan. Squish it around with your (clean!) fingers until it covers all of the inside of the tart pan without any holes or tears. You're looking for about a quarter inch thickness.

Look at your crust, it's marvellous. It's also sticky. It needs to bake, but before it does, take your handy dandy mixing fork, and poke holes all over the bottom of the crust (not the sides). This will keep your crust from blowing up like a balloon. (Note: don't get too crazy. Think "aerating the lawn" not "taking out my frustrations on my boss".) Put your newly docked crust into the oven, and bake it for 15-20 minutes, or till it's no longer really shiny and feels more like a fresh-baked (and ever-so-tasty) cookie.

While your crust is baking, you can start prepping your fruit. Strawberries are simple. Wash, hull, and slice. But you could do one of those fancy-schmancy fruit tarts with kiwi, grapes, blueberries, mandarin oranges, apricots, peaches, pretty much any fruit you desire. You could even make a neat one with apples and caramel, but that's another recipe for another time. Whatever your fruit choice(s) just wash, slice (if necessary) into uniform pieces, and set aside. Like I said, today I'm using sliced strawberries.

If you're impatient, like I am, once your crust is done, you can pop it into the freezer for a bit (pan and all), to get it to cool off. (take the time to clean the kitchen, check your favorite blogs, call your mom... whatever) probably a good 15-20 minutes in the freezer will make it ready to go.

This step will save you a lot of headaches later
After you pull the tart crust from the freezer before you fill it, go ahead and try popping it out of the pan. Just push up gently on that removable bottom. It should come free. If it doesn't, try to gently coax it. Once it's free, you can set it back inside its pan, secure in the knowledge that, when you go to serve it- this bad boy isn't going to make you look like a twit. Next: filling!

Take 2 regular sized containers of custard-style yogurt Like Yoplait. Vanilla's always nice, but you could use a flavor to go with your fruit if you like. Mix 'em up in a bowl, so they're nice and smooth, and spread over the bottom of your crust. Lick the spoon when you're done.

Now you get to indulge your inner artist. You're going to arrange your nicely sliced strawberries in geometric patterns on top of the yogurt. Go nuts. Be as obsessive compulsive as you like. Create some sort of art-deco thing with fruit. Just be sure to cover the whole surface, because Nobody likes a wimpy fruit tart.

If you like, you can glaze the fruit, that's what makes store-bought tarts so shiny. To do this, grab some apple, peach, or apricot jelly and put it into a small microwave-safe cup. Nuke it for 15 second intervals, stirring after each, till the jelly is melted. Then take a pastry brush and gently brush the melted jelly all over your fruit (carefully!).

That's it! Stash it covered, in the refrigerator if you're not serving it immediately. You're not going to want to make this too far in advance, a day or so at the most, before serving. Your friends and family will be amazed!